Free from Fear…

What happens when I open my heart? I suffer. That was the answer for most of my life. Because feeling things, for me, is an extremely difficult proposition. Without a higher power to give me a solid foundation, my emotions were constantly in flux. Rejection was simultaneously my biggest fear and my most welcome companion. I would enter relationships and work opportunities with a predetermined attitude of “This will end in disaster.” Inevitably, things would end in disaster, and I would be proven the genius I always knew I was. I was predicting the future. Except I was rigging the outcome. I would gladly hurt and deceive all my loved ones with my selfish behavior and gluttonous drinking, rather than save the relationships I pretended not to care about. And I considered that honesty. But I was not able to rigorously examine my thoughts, behaviors, and actions on my own. Because I am a broken individual when I try to do things on my own. Though I thought I could out think any situation, I have come to learn that I am strongest when I have the support of my family, friends, a sponsor, and most importantly a higher power.

I was born in Memphis, TN, but I grew up in Garland, TX. I was a joyful child full of vigor and enthusiasm. I was a stellar student, and I also excelled at sports and creative arts. However, I was already practicing deception at an incredibly early age. I would hide all my mistakes and weaknesses because facing consequences was too difficult for me to manage. I relied on and romanticized my natural abilities. Demanding work was for those less talented than me. When presented with situations that I could not manage, my mantra was “I don’t care.” And though my parents were loving and supportive Christians, I chose not to engage in a spiritual life of any kind because I was too cool for all that. So, when I first started having existential crises as a teenager, I turned to alcohol. And that was the start of my most substantial, long-lasting relationship of any kind. A love affair with alcohol.

Man, did I want to blame my problems on women. It had to be her fault I was not successful in life. It was her fault I never authored the Great American Novel, not that my double vision from drinking was making it too hard to type. It was her fault my pseudo-career as a musician never panned out, not that I was black-out drunk every gig I played. So as women rightly rejected me, my ambitions disintegrated, and the pain I felt became overwhelming, I continued to turn to my lover alcohol. My best friend who loved to drink with me even eventually said, “It’s not how much you drink, but why you drink.” Instead of using those watchwords as a growing opportunity, I doubled down. I was the world’s greatest alcoholic. It was my purpose. To drink to oblivion.

So, I closed myself off to the world. I isolated myself and searched for alcoholic bliss. I only found more pain. And failed many attempts to end my life through drinking and other methods. I was too afraid to live and too scared to kill myself. Without any intentions of getting better, I ended up at Soul’s Harbor. And though I was working on a program with a sponsor, I kept a wall up. The willingness to get better was not there. I no longer had the compulsion to drink, but I did not want to let go of the shame and resentments that I had been holding onto for 25 years. They had come to define who I thought I was.

And then I opened my heart. Or rather, I was given the strength to open my heart. Through daily prayer and meditation, I was finally able to get in touch with a higher power. And I found a reserve of strength I did not know I had. I was now able to feel joy or to ache in pain, and not immediately turn to my old cunning mistress alcohol. And though I will not say I quit drinking, I can always confidently say, “I will not drink today.” I wake up, pray with intent, and ask for help from my higher power. And after a successful day of being sober, I give thanks to that same power for giving me the strength. Next month, I will be sober and clean for 2 years. Soul’s Harbor gave me the space to learn these tools. And I am grateful to all my brothers here who have helped me get better along the way. So, what happens when I open my heart? I got better.

Soul’s Harbor Inaugural Gala…